How To Make Peace With Your Body When You’re Not Feeling Yourself
On Feeling Myself Friday a few years ago, I posted the following meme about celebrating your body, to which someone commented, “I would feel that way too if my body looked like that.” So, I wanted to write about it this week because trying to respond to this commenter at the time brought me to a thinking place that I would love to share with you all.
First off, I want to graciously thank the commenter because it was a real and vulnerable response. Memes and quote pictures and all these positive social media graphics can be nice reminders to be kind to ourselves and to cherish ourselves most days. But I also know from first hand experience that there are some days where it’s just not enough.
When I first found the comment I immediately wanted to write out some sort of positive affirmation like “Don’t worry. It takes time to love your body, but you’ll get there!” Or “Don’t talk about yourself like that. I’m sure your body is fine!”
But with each response I typed out, I hated the following one even more than the last. I intimately know the struggle of feeling uncomfortable or inadequate in your skin. And I also know that being told “I’m perfect just the way I am” helped with my insecurities about 0.000001% of the time.
So, this is my actual attempt at being helpful that isn’t a cliche, and I hope that commenter knows how much I appreciate the accountability.
It has been ingrained in us since birth to believe that something is always wrong with us; our eyebrows aren’t thick enough, our tummies are too round, our skin is too dark or too light.
Then there’s always some new trend or product that breaks, offering us an antidote to the lifetime of insecurity that we’ve faced if we shell out xx dollars. So, desperate to finally feel like how Beyonce’ looks, we fork over our money to only have the following outcomes:
We feel and look stupid for giving in to this product/trend that doesn’t help our insecurities.
We look great, but internally we’re miserable because the product makes us miserable. But we fight those feelings of miserableness because we’re supposed to be happy that we look great.
We’re happy, and we look great for a time, but once the novelty wears off, we’re insecure and miserable again.
So, what the fuck is a girl to do to find some peace, right?
Give Yourself A True Glow Up Day
Back in 2019, one day I realized I had gained some weight. Between adjusting to my first year as an entrepreneur and a grad student, as well as dealing with a bunch of recent health issue, ya girl was a flaming hot mess who hadn’t slept in days, and couldn’t stop eating junk.
So, on the first day of spring break, after I turned in my last paper, I decided to give myself a glow up day. I changed up my hairstyle, I drew a bath, did a face mask, moisturized, put on a matching bra and panties set, had a selfie shoot, and listened to some boss queen music all while doing it.
And the end result truly astounded me. This has to be one of my favorite photos of me because I look hydrated, melinated, and so happy in my own skin. And keep in mind, I was 10 lbs heavier than what I wanted to be.
But looking at this photo was a reminder of what Olivia Fox Cabane explains in her book The Charisma Myth. Confidence and charisma have to be nurtured from the inside out, and a great way to start that process is to rewrite your reality.
Everyone thinks that because they’re bigger here, or got some rolls there, or some stretch marks here that this means they can’t be banging. And to that I say who the fuck told you that? Some troll that you’re not even trying to get with? Mannn, fuck outta here with that mess.
Instead of believing in their version of reality that puts you down, why not believe in a reality that allows you to have love, peace and unapologetic fierceness? Every person in this world comes with their own set of beliefs and values. But just because they were raised to see the world one way does not mean that you have to ascribe yourself to their view of the world. If you think you look banging even after gaining some weight, then you are. Periodt.
And if someone wants to challenge that then just remember that this is their view of the world, not the world view.
Sometimes the solution we need to feel good about our body is just simply taking care of it; having a glass of water, putting on lotion, sleeping for a full 8 hours.
So, before you go shelling out money for some gadget you probably don’t need to help with your body image issues, why not try giving yourself a true day of rest and relaxation; a day that is filled with only the things that make you smile a real smile.
Find Clothes That Fit You
So, this advice is a double entendre in the sense that you should find clothes that not only fit your body, but clothes that also fit your personality and comfort level.
In The Charisma Myth, Cabane talks extensively about how key comfort is to helping you exude charisma and confidence. So, as much as Beyonce’ makes leotards and sparkly clothes seem like the outfit of confidence, if you’re uncomfortable in it, that is all people will see and it will be all that you can focus on.
Remember, confidence starts on the inside; more specifically with how you think and talk to yourself. So, instead of filling your closet with trendy, flashy clothes that don’t hold any meaning to you, why not take a page out of Marie Kondo’s book?
Look through your closet for clothes that give you a sense of joy and happiness. Then get rid of anything else that makes you feel like a sausage.
I am on IG all the damn time in these leggings I got from Forever21 which might be an IG faux pas, but the fucks I give because these pants are comfy af and make my butt look out of this world.
Don’t Feel Shameful About Experimentation
So, listen I know I was throwing shade at all the crazy gadgets/products/trends people try to convince us that we need to feel beautiful. And I’m not taking any of that shade back because it’s true.
However, what I take offense to is the idea that I wouldn’t be beautiful or confident without the product. The key to owning your beauty and your confidence starts in your mind, not with things.
But, I don’t want you to feel shameful about trying new things because that’s an important part of discovering what makes you feel happy. I just don’t want you to feel crippled without it.
For example, I had always been interested in trying microblading, and in 2019 I finally bit the bullet and tried it. But what was keeping me from trying it for so long was this comment I found on a BuzzFeed video. A peer got their eyebrows microbladed, and this asshole was like “not to be mean but they should have taken Daysha to do this.”
I knew in that moment that I had to wait because I didn’t want to do this big thing based on other’s acceptance or approval of me. I wanted to do it because it was something I wanted. I wanted the power of the decision to originate from me and not a troll.
And, while overall, I enjoy my new eyebrows, it was definitely a journey and one that I know I would have hated myself for if I had done it to appease others. So, again, I think it’s important to experiment, but always make sure that you’re doing it for you.
“Sometimes the solution we need to feel good about our body is just simply taking care of it.”
Remember That This Is A Journey, Not A Race
Confidence is not something that we obtain and have forever. We’re always going to feel fear and insecurity throughout our lives. But as Dr. Susan Jeffers notes in her groundbreaking book, Feel The Fear… And Do It Anyway:
“If everybody feels fear when approaching something totally new in life, yet so many are out there doing it despite the fear, then we must conclude that fear is not the problem. Obviously the real issue has nothing to do with the fear itself, but rather how we hold the fear. For some, the fear is totally irrelevant. For others, it creates a state of paralysis. The former hold their fear from a position of power, and the latter hold it from a position of pain.”
So, keep in mind that it is not your fears or insecurities that hold you back from looking good. It is the fact that that we use those fears and insecurities as excuses for why we can’t look good as we are.
Don’t Give In To The Body Olympics
Lastly, always remember that you’re not trying to be better than anyone else but you.
Comparing yourself to others does not take into account that every literal body in this world functions in its own unique way. For years we have been taught to shame parts of our body because they are not like others.
But in actuality, we should be
Trying to understand what our body needs to function at its best.
Looking for ways to highlight and show off what we like about ourselves.
To close, I will leave you with this excerpt from Amber Rose’s motivational book, How To Be A Bad Bitch:
“Have you ever seen a girl on the dance floor who isn't very attractive, but truly does not give a fuck what anybody says about her, and she is just killing it and having the most fun in the whole club, and all the guys love her? Maybe she doesn't look like what they typically hold up as their definition of a hot girl, but right there in that moment she's redefining their perceptions and expanding their idea of what's gorgeous and sexy and desirable...To me, that example is very important because it's a perfect representation of a bad bitch. I used to see this all the time, especially when I was younger... I observed it. And I learned from it. This is what I came to know: fearlessness is what’s attractive to most people, rather than being a size 2 or having the latest purse or driving a tricked-out car.”
If you find that you’re not feeling your body right now. It’s ok to admit that. But do not buy into the idea that your body is broken or that you cannot be confident or loved unless you look a certain way. As Amber Rose highlights, it is your attitude towards your body that ultimately defines how people see you; not the other way around.
For more ways to help you make peace with your body, make sure to download my e-book, Eat Your Way To Self-Confidence, available now on Amazon!
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