This Is Why Women Keep Receipts: How Society Perpetually Undermines A Woman's Ability To Share Her Truth
So while I can't remember what specific episode it was, if you are also a listener of the podcast that I co-host called Real Talk Love Therapy, then I'm sure you have heard the common argument that my male co-host and I have gotten into over women keeping receipts.
If you're not familiar, I'll give you a brief run down. My male co-host believes (or at one point believed) that women loved to keep receipts on every detail in a relationship with a man. I argued that women do not love to keep receipts, but often feel an intense pressure to have to maintain receipts when it comes to their relationships with men (whether romantic or not) because of the lack of accountability some men will hold themselves to when it comes to admitting certain things they have promised, done, or said.
Now here's the thing; it is extremely difficult for anyone to hold themselves accountable to the potentially problematic behaviors or words that they might say and do, especially when in their mind they weren't intending to come off as problematic. But here's the real talk -- just because you do not intend to be problematic doesn't mean that you can't be.
We ALL, regardless of class, race, gender, and other identity categories, have the potential within us to be problematic. I don't care how woke you are. I don't care if you would have voted for Obama for a third term. I don't care if you tweet #BlackLivesMatter every other tweet, or that you posted the Colin Kaepernick ad on your Instagram. Everyone has the capability of being problematic at some point in their life.
We have all been indoctrinated with the toxic, classist, racist, homophobic, and misogynistic rhetoric of the patriarchy. So to believe that you would never have the capability to exhibit problematic traits or to say problematic beliefs after having grown up in this system, in my eyes, is ridiculous.
However, what can make it quite toxic when men specifically refuse to hold themselves accountable for their problematic actions/beliefs, is the fact that we have been raised in a patriarchal society that will always value and find truth in a man's account of events before a woman’s (although race definitely plays an active role here, and can alter this statement depending on the race of the accuser/accused).
So even just the slightest downplay of a certain problematic behavior or thing said in the name of self-preservation, while understandable, has significantly negative and extensive repercussions that completely undermined the way in which we as a society trust a woman’s account of events.
We live in a society where a woman would need to maintain every single little piece of evidence in a given interaction with a man in order to have her side of a story believed should anything go wrong. As we have so clearly seen with the Kavanaugh hearings, one of the biggest critiques about Dr. Ford's account is that she doesn't have enough receipts. Despite mentioning these allegations in therapy many years before Kavanaugh's nomination, doing a polygraph test that turned out positive, and welcoming an FBI investigation into the matter, Dr.Ford still doesn't have enough receipts.
Because, unfortunately, there are no amount of receipts that will ever be enough to go against a man's word; there are no amount of receipts of problematic actions and behaviors that will ever be enough to go against the promise of a so-called “good man’s” future.
So no, women don't “love” to keep receipts. I asked my male co-host to imagine how much more women would be able to accomplish in life if they didn't have to keep receipts; if all of that mental bandwidth that is used to keep track of the truth is energy that they could put into their craft. In the immortal words of sistah auntie queen Maxine, women are ready to reclaim their time from receipt keeping, but they also understand the negative repercussions that come from not keeping track of the truth, especially in dealings with men.
In this day and age, keeping receipts, as far as women are concerned, is now a method of survival. And even then, as we've seen in the case of Brock Turner, having enough receipts doesn't even guarantee that you’ll get the justice that you deserve. In many cases, those same receipts are misconstrued and weaponized against women.
She was too drunk so she clearly wanted it to happen.
Her skirt was too short so she clearly wanted it to happen.
She was out too late at night so she clearly wanted it to happen.
She was alone so she clearly wanted it to happen.
And I bet you that if any of the male republican senators had not relinquished their right to ask Dr. Ford questions during the Senate Judiciary Committee hearing, someone most likely would have asked her to think about what she was wearing during the night in question.
Women may seem to keep receipts more than men do, but the real problem is the fact that men have never seemed to stop and ask why; that they instead have chosen to make women feel like they are “insane,” “crazy,” and “insecure” for trying to keep track of the truth in a world that belittles their thoughts/feelings/experiences everyday.
We are done being told that we need to “relax,” and have a little more trust. What we need are more men to stand in the truth of their actions; to acknowledge the real potential that they hold to do and say potentially problematic things to women. We need more men to understand that women see how they have been socialized to treat women and their opinions as less than; that we don't consider them to be monsters for having done or said something problematic in their past, especially when it was socially acceptable to do so.
However, what makes women angry, in my opinion, is not only the blatant dismissal of a man’s potential to be problematic, or the haste at which people will go to discredit women, but it is also the unbelievable lengths that both men and women will go to over glorify a man’s past good deeds as if the presence of one good apple in a bag of apples means that no bad apples have the potential to exist in the bag.
So if men really want women to stop keeping receipts so badly, I hope that this also means that they (and everyone else in society) are ready and willing to acknowledge the times in which they have done something problematic or have gone back on their word, and are willing to be held accountable. I think many men feel fear at being held accountable because of the extremist methods in which the public are now holding them accountable.
However, I feel like this fear completely ignores the historical build up of women not being believed for many years. When accusations are only taken seriously or action is only taken after being brought forth through extremism, then this only validates and encourages the behavior; this makes women feel like extremism is the only way to be heard or have justice.
In my eyes, the best way to diminish the extremism is for more men to listen, acknowledge, be humble, and aim to do better; for more men to remember that their words/actions are not representative of who they are, but how they were socialized to be.
As Brene Brown highlights in her book, Daring Greatly, we are all working to remember that it is not about people being problematic more so than it is about people being socialized to do and say problematic things. So just as men need to work on acknowledging the times in which they have the potential to be problematic, I would also say that, as a society, we also need to work on allowing people the ability to redeem and rehabilitate themselves from their problematic past. (Although if youread last week's article, then I'm sure you know that the weaponization of one's past is typically an issue for women more so than for men).
While it is uncomfortable for one to fully stand in the truth of their actions, this is the action that truly defines the monsters from men.
Is The Past Really Just The Past When It Comes To Women?: Exploring The Gender Inequality and Selective Weponization of A Woman's Past
So if you're like me, I'm sure over the past week you have been enthralled in the whole Christine B. Ford/Brett Kavanaugh media madness. From Anita Hill to Trump (unfortunately), everyone has been offering up their thoughts, and opinions about how to deal with the sexual assault allegations that Dr. Ford has claimed against Kavanaugh.
And after having read several articles on the situation, I have to say that one of the most problematic points of discussion that I have seen brought up as a defense to Dr. Ford's claims are that even if her allegations are true, why should we hold Kavanaugh accountable for actions that happened when he was just a teen who didn't know better. He has now become an honorable man with an impeccable character and track record. Should we really ruin his career over a “small” infraction in his youth?
While it sickens me to hear it (and even more so to type it), I'm certainly never surprised as I'm sure everyone remembers that similar sentiments were also echoed during Trump's Access Hollywood tape scandal, when he was caught being recorded saying that it was okay for high-powered men like himself to sexually assault women-- that women are actually extremely open to being assaulted by men like him "because he's a star, and they let him do anything."
But yet again, the toxic so-called puritanical Greek chorus of America chanted that Trump should not be held accountable for beliefs that he held 13 years ago. A lot could have changed in those years, and that everyone riled up by his sentiments were just being extremely sensitive because he was only engaging in regular “locker room talk” banter that supposedly most men are fine and familiar with.
So it has been watching the way in which people have been willing to go fist deep up in their ass to pull out some sort of shit covered excuse as to why Kavanaugh should not be held accountable if his past problematic actions turn out to be true that has gotten me thinking about the under discussed issue of gender inequality when it comes to the weponization of someone’s less than glamorous past.
So if you have ever listened to episode 15 of Real Talk Love Therapy, then you'll know that I am a big Amber Rose fan. And one of the biggest things that led to my Amber Rose fandom was learning about how she used her platform to elevate conversations in feminism around slut shaming and sex positivity, which are brought to global attention every year during her annual Slut Walk parade, and festival in Downtown LA.
And I remember when I was early in my stage of Amber Rose fandom getting into a heated conversation with a woman in my life who didn't believe that we should care so much about Amber Rose because she was a stripper in her past.
And I literally almost lost my mind, and was late to work trying to write an essay to this person about how crazy I thought that sentiment was, especially given the fact that
Why is it that when we look at Amber Rose's positive accomplishments/present stature in society, they are always negatively seen in conjunction with the fact that she was a stripper; that even though she does meaningful work with her platform now, the way in which she ascertained her platform somehow makes her undeserving of praise-- even though Rose stripped as a means of financial survival.
And I don't bring this up to say that stripping for financial means somehow makes her a more honorable stripper than those who do it by choice, but more so to say that her story demonstrates the sacrifices she was willing to make, despite knowing the social stigma attached to stripping, to support herself and her family, which to me, is a very honorable character trait.
Why is it now that every positive contribution that she makes is always undermined by her less than glamorous past?
"For some reason, when it comes to [people like Kavanaugh] (specifically men), we are so quick to value who they are in the present than what they might have been and done in the past."
But then when someone like Kavanaugh is forced to face his less than glamorous past, so many people are quick to throw his alleged salacious actions out of the window due to his "carpool dad" nature in the present. When it comes to people like Kavanaugh, somehow their positive accomplishments/demeanor in the present always seem to trump any bad action or negative characteristic they could have ever exhibited at one point in time.
For some reason, when it comes to these people (specifically men), we are so quick to value who they are in the present than what they might have been and done in the past. And if their present has been nothing but a clean and positive track record, somehow in the game of life that means that we as a society are supposed to exonerate them from the problematic choices they might have made to become these now honorable, and decent people.
When it comes to men like Kavanaugh, it always seems that the ends justify the means; that their negative character flaws are atypical or aggravated from the situation that they were involved in. So as good people, we should offer them a pity pass, and not see the over romanticisation of their good character as being emblematic of a larger systemic issue of inequality and entitlement.
And sure, Kavanaugh is a little bit of a harder person to judge given that in his case, all we have to come for him on are allegations. But, that still doesn't negate the systemic issue of inequality when it comes to whose past we choose to weaponize.
The infamous Brock Turner case is one of the finest examples of our society’s problematic issue of over romanticizing the positive characteristics of usually straight white men when confronted with problematic issues of their past/present. Turner was found guilty in a court of law of raping a woman while she was intoxicated, and yet still, society expected the majority of us to turn the other cheek because of his glowing and esteemed past of positive behavior and athletic prowess. Like this motherfucker is a literal rapist, and was defined by the legal system as a rapist, and y'all can still find some way to overhype his character?
Why is it that when it comes to women, the “bad” of their past always seems to outweigh the good of their present, but when it comes to men of all shapes, sizes, colors, and creeds (although race adds in a much more complex conversation) the good of their past or present always tends to outweigh the bad of their past or present-- that we should just turn a blind eye to any problematic traits that a so-called good man exhibits because this “break in character” somehow isn’t exemplary of who they really are.
Why is it that when we are forced to confront the problematic actions of men, both men and women are so quick to drown the detractors in the positive accomplishments and character references of that problematic male, but very rarely do the opposite for women? And it is usually only when we as a society are met with an insurmountable amount of opposition (ie. the 60 women that came forward about Bill Cosby, and the 87 women that came forward about Harvey Weinstein) that we then decide to finally let the bad outweigh the good.
But when a woman does everything that she can to pull herself up from her bootstraps, which might involve having a difficult past, we can never find her positive contributions to society redeemable-- that she will forever be a stripper, or a crooked politician, or an attention whore, or a plethora of other labels that we like to discredit women by.
This is not to say that I believe that we should start to excuse the problematic actions of women, but rather it is to say that
I'm all for living in a society where we hold people accountable for their past, but still offer them the ability for redemption should they show that they have earned it in the present. But what I'm not here for is the selective and unequal weaponization of a woman’s past, as we scrub way, and turn a blind eye to the worn in stains of a problematic male’s past.
Source: News With Sonia Royy
So while I don't follow Kylie Jenner (or any of the Kardashians) on Instagram, I definitely do get a kick out of their family drama. So if you're wondering why people still write tons of articles about them, I will very openly admit that I can't help but be entranced by their soap opera style, larger than life drama. But I always tell myself that my saving grace is that I can only read about it. I've tried to half watch the show once as I was cleaning my apartment in college, and even for TV background noise I couldn’t take it.
But in any case, I remember a year or two ago clicking on one of these articles, and seeing a photo of Kylie that the author embedded from her Instagram. And while the photo was stunning as usual, it was actually her Instagram name that had caught my full attention.
“King Kylie,” it read.
And as someone who was in the process of developing a website that was built around the power of queens, I just couldn't help but feel a type of way about the fact that this very beautiful, powerful, strong young woman felt like the only title that could fully encapsulate that strength was a masculine title.
And she's not the first time I've seen it. Back in 2011, Beyoncé self referred to herself as "King B" on her album cover for the song, Best Thing I Never Had, and it has been very common amongst members of the Beyhive to refer to her as King Bey ever since (and even I have done so myself in the past). But it wasn't until fairly recently that I stopped to ask myself why? Why did I, and these powerful women, along with many of their female/male fans feel the need to validate the legitimacy of their strength by giving them a masculine title?
Why do we still think that it's not as powerful to be considered a queen?
In an article published by the Atlantic a couple months ago, Sarah Rich highlights that one of the least discussed problems in feminism today is the way in which we still champion and over glorify what are seen to be traditionally masculine traits in men and women, even if those traits are problematic regardless of gender. She also sheds light on the issue of our social desire to demonize and chastise boys (and sometimes girls) who want to display more feminine qualities.
“There’s a word for what’s happening here: misogyny. When school officials and parents send a message to children that “boyish” girls are badass but “girlish” boys are embarrassing, they are telling kids that society values and rewards masculinity, but not femininity. They are not just keeping individual boys from free self-expression, but they are keeping women down too.”
Source: Lipstick Alley
"Why do we still think it's not as powerful to be considered a queen?"
And I would say even more so that society is telling women that it is not strong or desirable to be emotionally feminine, because physical femininity is still an important value for women to maintain in the eyes of most people of both genders. The idea of “King Kylie” or "King Bey" is honestly a misogynist’s wet dream-- and note that misogyny is not code for a man because women can also display misogynistic thinking as well.
In fact, one time while on a Buzzfeed video shoot in which I was training to become a firefighter, one of the female trainers told me to stop running like a girl. So here's the thing about this moment-- I will totally 100% admit that I was running hella foolishly, but the fact that she equated my foolish running style to be representative of women as a whole is completely exemplary of how deeply embedded misogynistic thoughts can be in women as well.
Sure, call me out for running weirdly. I have no problem with that because it was the truth. But the disdain that she held for how I was running combined with the fact that she established it as being a feminine way of running is what made me very mad and uncomfortable. The comfort at which we as a society have for throwing shame on those that are more traditionally feminine, especially those that are emotionally feminine, is what I believe has led to more powerful women embracing the “King Kylie/King Bey” hybrid persona.
“King Kylie/King Bey” is the ultimate figment of our misogynistic imagination. She embodies all of the power, the strength, the ambition and the business prowess of a man while still displaying the physical presence of a soft, sexy, and dainty woman. And while I do think it is powerful for these two women to capitalize off of the power of their sexuality (especially given that men have been doing this for hundreds of years, and making billions of dollars off of exploiting female sexuality), it does bring up an important conversation about whether or not women can maintain a sense of legitimate power outside of a traditionally feminine, and hyper sexualized appearance.
Yes, Kylie Jenner and Beyoncé are powerful women, but they are also hyper-feminine representations of women. And their high-powered “king” status in the eyes of both men and women in society, while also maintaining that hyper-feminine representation underscores the difficult double consciousness of the female identity that many women find themselves struggling to uphold to get that same high powered success in the public eye.
We must always be the best of both worlds; uber masculine on the inside with a pretty feminine coating on the outside. To further articulate the point that Rich brings up in her article, yes, society champions boyish women more than girlish boys, but that is only when their physical representation is traditionally feminine.
We must always be the popular movie trope of the hot (white) girl who can out drink her guy friends in beer, while eating a cheeseburger, and talking sports or politics or business while still maintaining a very trim, feminine, and fit physique... and make it home in time to clean the house, and make dinner, and take care of the kids, and thrown down some bomb sex, and look fresh faced and alive through ALL of it.
King Kylie/King Bey is a persona that is meant to represent the ultimate power position for women in society, as they are both beautiful, sexy, constantly fresh faced, high-powered business women who are also loving moms and committed partners. And yet in a way, they both highlight how little power women still maintain in the eyes of society as not only do their public images imply how possible it should be to maintain a highly feminine appearance while running a business/having a family, but Beyoncé/Kylie’s “king” title appears to only be “respected” due to the maintenance of their very outwardly feminine appearance. And in many ways it's rather ironic that their king status is upheld by maintaining a feminine appearance.
But for either of them to choose to appear as anything other than traditionally feminine, then their highly championed, inwardly masculine qualities of strength, power, ambition and business prowess would suddenly become weapons of their own mass destruction. If Kylie or Beyoncé chose to not shave for a week because they needed to get a pitch deck ready for a business meeting, instead of being met with kindness and understanding from the public, they would be dragged for letting work come before their appearance. But on the same token, if they did not give their pitch deck their all because they wanted to focus on maintaining their appearance, then they would be dragged for not being serious enough business women.
“King Kylie/Bey” is the ultimate symbol of our internal and external war against femininity. Within this complex power structure, to be a queen is to be both inwardly and outwardly feminine, and thus weak and undesirable. To be a queen is just a mere stepping stone; a holding ground until we are ready to ascend up to "true" power. And so this immediate desire to label strong and powerful women that we see in the media as kings instead of queens is a representation of how we as a society still don't respect femininity, both inwardly and outwardly.
Women that are both inwardly and outwardly feminine are seen as ditzy, dumb, weak, soft, vapid and/or vain, while women that are inwardly and outwardly masculine are seen as ugly, lesbian, bra-burning feminists. So I see the appeal in building the “King Kylie/Bey” power persona that allows you to be this perfect amalgamation of masculinity and femininity.
In some ways it reminds me of my favorite identity theory by queer identity theorist, José Munõz, which is called disidentification. Within his famous book by the same title, Munõz outlines how critical it is for people to get to a place where they “dis-identify” with both the mainstream cultural norms, and the countercultural societal norms so as to develop one's own sense of individuality. The end goal is to be able to pick and choose aspects of both cultures that are uniquely you, and not toxic to your sense of self.
However, the biggest problem that I see with this “King Kylie/Bey” complex that I believe stunts the greater development of both men and women is that by choosing to champion more masculine traits within everyone, without critically reviewing and rejecting the more problematic traits of masculinity, nor amplifying the positive and beneficial aspects of femininity (like empathy, emotion, and communication), we are essentially emboldening everyone in society to become beautiful, dusty-ass, trash-ass, trifling-ass, non-communicating-ass fuckboys that see deceit, aggression, and emotional detachment as badges of honor.
While there are many aspects of femininity that I am not a fan of, at the same time I also feel like part of my disdain with femininity is an effect of being raised within a patriarchal system. This system thrives on making women constantly feel inadequate about their place in society, and in my eyes, this is regardless of whether or not she is the perfect hybrid of being inwardly masculine and outwardly feminine.
Because even though Kylie Jenner is set to become the world's youngest billionaire from a cosmetics empire that she devised, and invested in entirely on her own, her success in the world of business is often never seen as legitimate or representative of hard work by most common folks. She is often reduced to a pretty face that got lucky; she was just another silver bullet capitalizer off of Kim Kardashian’s infamous sex tape leak scandal of the early 2000s.
And this is not to say that I don't acknowledge the immense amount of privilege and wealth that Kylie has been able to generate from being a part of such a famous family. But real talk, I have to say that business profits are probably the very few places in which privilege doesn't do that much more for you. Yes, Kylie has a larger amount of capital and resources to use for marketing purposes that most entrepreneurs don't, but again marketing can only do so much. Marketing does not ensure a purchase-- it definitely helps. But it is ultimately the brand appeal, and the quality of the product that does-- both of which Kylie plays a huge hand in developing as the company’s CEO, CMO, and CCO.
And even though Beyonce's success and hard work as a performer is very highly recognized in the public eye, her parenting choices, most notably with Blue Ivy and the styling of her hair, constantly made her a target for unwarranted criticism about her having a stronger commitment to her work, and not her child.
"We are essentially emboldening everyone in society to become beautiful, dusty-ass, trash-ass, trifling-ass, non-communicating-ass fuckboys that see deceit, aggression, and emotional detachment as badges of honor."
To me, it feels like society’s ultimate goal isn't even necessarily to celebrate building strong “boyish” women, but rather it is to uphold building insecure women; women who are constantly questioning whether or not they are pretty enough or work hard enough to maintain their positions of power.
Because even when we champion their inwardly masculine skills with their outwardly feminine appearances, the constant devaluation of the work of someone like Kylie Jenner, and what she has put into building Kylie cosmetics is also representative of a popular chorus that many women are familiar with; we can never win. And not only does it feel impossible to celebrate those with feminine attributes and qualities in the world of work and business, it is just as equally hard to find support for feminine qualities in personal relationships as well.
How many times have you heard after a guy breaks a woman’s heart in a heterosexual relationship that she just needs to be less attached? How many times have you been told that you just need to suck it up as a man would in a difficult situation, or ask less questions and seek less information?
Not wanting to be held accountable for your actions, disregarding the value of communication, stifling emotions, and unwarranted anger are all traits that are seen as traditionally masculine, but they are also nothing that I want to aspire towards embodying. And yet every day we tell women that the only way to make it in this world is to emulate the ways in which men act without critically thinking about how some of those actions that define maleness are actually just shitty and problematic as fuck.
We empower women to sleep around on unclear terms, and break other people’s hearts just as men have traditionally done without acknowledging the fact that maybe just sleeping around on unclear terms, and breaking other people's hearts is just a shitty trait that no one should have permission to get away with period. And this is not to imply shame at the idea of sleeping around, but rather to say that if you are sleeping around, and purposefully avoiding a conversation to outline the terms of your relationship, and just “keeping it casual” for the sake of looking disinterested and not clingy, then that’s trash all around. I believe that this action is shitty regardless of whether or not you are a man or woman.
But unfortunately, our society seems far more obsessed with the idea of getting revenge than it is on working towards actual healing and growth, and raising future children with the values that will allow them to be good and emotionally balanced people.
So as we continue to move forward as a critically conscious society that is trying to enact equality for all, I think that instead of championing young boys and girls to be more blanketly masculine, we need to encourage them to be strong and emotionally balanced people that can strive towards having power, ambition and success regardless of their gender expression. Just as strength, power, ambition and success should not be limited to one's gender, neither should deceit, aggression, or emotional detachment. As a collective, we should be fighting to abolish those qualities, rather than emboldening women to just act like the trash qualities that we don't like in men, and making tepid excuses about how it's okay when a woman does it.
We should be teaching young girls that there is power and strength within being feminine, either inwardly or outwardly or both; that they can strive to be queens, and that doesn't make them less important or serious than their male counterparts.
I love being traditionally feminine. I find strength in appearing as traditionally feminine, as well as embodying feminine characteristics of empathy, love, emotion, and communication. However, I will say that as far as appearances go, I am someone who will always put my work before my appearance, which is why I feel like I have a tricky relationship when it comes to fully identifying with being feminine.
But, internally, for many years, I strived to be like one of the boys, and to emotionally stunt myself, and that is not the person that I want to be, nor the person that I want to encourage others around me to be-- both male and female. But in order to do that, men and women need to acknowledge this very complex and shameful relationship that we have with traditionally feminine qualities, and appearances. Strength and power can exist within femininity as well.
Kylie and Beyoncé are more than free to identify as King Bey and King Kylie, but I can only hope that one day in the future, they (and society) will come to see them for the queens that they are.
You're Not Too Young or Too Poor To Start Thinking About Your Will, Living Will, And Other Important Estate Planning Documents
Hi Queens! So as many of you might know, Aretha Franklin, the queen of soul, passed away a few weeks ago. (Rest in power, Queen)!
But what many of you might not know is that Franklin had no will at the time of her death.
Literally my face when I saw this being reported in the news.
This means that her 80 million dollar estate will have to go through what is called probate court to be equitably distributed amongst her surviving family.
This may not seem like a big deal on the surface. So for a quick moment I want you to envision 6.4 million dollars.
That's a crazy amount of money, right? Imagine what you would do with 6.4 million dollars…
You could buy a nice sized house (or a few depending on what part of the country you lived in)…
You could travel the world guilt-free…
And those student loans would be a thing of the past!
Now I want you to imagine taking 6.4 million dollars, and just handing it to a stranger.
And not only are you handing it to a stranger, but there's no real reason attached to it either.
That is what happens when you go to probate court -- in the case of Aretha Franklin it is estimated that anywhere between 3 to 8% of her estate (which is roughly 6.4 million dollars) will just be handed over to the courts/probate attorneys because she didn't have a will at the time of her death.
1. What are life/estate planning documents?
A living will
You can read more about it here.
A power of attorney/health care power of attorney
This person can also be responsible for making healthcare decisions on your behalf. But if you would like to differentiate those people, you may also have a health care power of attorney as well. You would just set up another form of documents outlining who is your health care power of attorney, and what state of decline you would need to be in before their judgment goes into effect.
Other terms that you might hear that signify a power of attorney are a durable power of attorney, or a healthcare proxy.
You can read more about it here.
A last will and testament
As I mentioned before, having a will is so important because it ensure that your loved ones will be entitled to all of your assets/money after death, and keep them out of probate court. I know some people might be scared to think about what they would leave behind to people after they died, or think that they might not have much of anything to leave behind.
And for where some of you are at in life right now that might be true. But I still recommend having at least a basic document put together. And then it was recommended to me that after every big milestone in life like getting married, buying a car, buying a house, having a child, etc, that I should update it.
It may seem weird now, but there are many people who get to the end of their life such as Aretha Franklin, and somehow forget to do it. And all this does is cheat your family out of resources to make sure they can take care of all of your burial, and after death needs.
You can read more about it here, and there are many free templates for you to use online.
The most important thing to note about setting beneficiaries is that they should all be at least over 18. Any beneficiary that you designate that is under 18 will be subject to go through the probate court to decide how to distribute the funds.
2. What resources are available to help me figure all this shit out?
But to actually get started with your estate planning documents, the two best legal sites to try, in my opinion, are Rocket Lawyer and LegalZoom.
And one of the cool things about Rocket Lawyer is that you have lifetime access to your estate planning documents on their portal. So even if you cancel your membership, you will always have access to make edits to your document. You just won't be able to make new documents unless you reactivate your subscription.
While I don't have personal experience with LegalZoom, from what I've researched it has great reviews.
But I can't tell you enough how much I don't like LegalShield. The lawyer they assigned me was very grouchy, unhelpful, and I ended up just asking a family friend that I knew was a lawyer for advice because I did not think that this particular lawyer was giving me the best advice possible.
So I hope that was helpful, and that you feel inspired to protect your hard-earned assets and Queendom.
Much love, peace, and unapologetic fierceness, my queens!
I don't remember when it was, but a few years ago they introduced a feature that counted up how many people posted on your page for your birthday, and listed it at the top of your wall like a scarlet letter for the world to see.
Adding this feature truly sent my birthday anxiety over the edge because it felt like a social status competition that I was always going to lose.
"Even though I didn't care that much about social media, I couldn't deny the toll that it was taking on my self-esteem and mental health, especially when all of the numbers and the metrics and the likes just made it so easy to compare myself to other people."
And so for years I would be sick to my stomach feeling the need to go through my birthday posts to thank those that remembered, but also unable to keep my mind from wandering into that dark place that would say I didn’t get as many posts as so-and-so because my life didn't matter. Even though I didn't care that much about social media, I couldn't deny the toll that it was taking on my self-esteem and mental health, especially when all of the numbers and the metrics and the likes just made it so easy to compare myself to other people.
So last year I decided to take my birthday off of Facebook. And while it was a little weird at first, I have to say it was one of the most amazing forms of self-care that I've ever done for myself. It made me realize that in the past my birthday was never something that I celebrated for myself; it was always meant to be a symbol of my value in the eyes of other people. It was like my life couldn’t have value outside of how many people remembered or wanted to celebrate with me.
And real talk, that shit really eats at your spirit. Your birthday should always be about you enjoying yourself, and the people/activities that make you excited to live to see another day. I think when I turned 25 I realized how much I desired to make my birthday about me, and how important it was for me, personally, to find ways to give my life value and meaning outside of other people.
"Your birthday should always be about you enjoying yourself, and the people/activities that make you excited to live to see another day."
It's almost kind of sad how easy it is to feel inadequate on social media nowadays, as I don't believe that this was the intention behind most social media platforms. It's crazy how something that was made to be a positive force in the world also has the same amount of power to destroy your self-esteem. And now, even something as simple as how many people comment on your wall for your birthday can be used as another weapon against your sense of worth in the world.
I've been struggling with my self-worth since my childhood, and with every year since then I am proud of the choices that I make to continually see and support myself as the worthy person that I intrinsically know that I am, but sometimes (unfortunately) have a hard time seeing.
Hi Queens! So #RealTalk, 2018 has been a disaster...
And if you're like me, then I'm sure you have lost many hours to mindlessly scrolling on Twitter as you watch the world continue to fall into a flaming dumpster pit.
But at the end of the day, we have to remember that there's no amount of scrolling that will reverse this nightmare we're in. So we have to keep finding ways to stay productive, and make those money/career moves.
So another fellow Boss Queen out here messaged me asking about what are my productivity tips and tricks since she is trying to keep busy with college, and writing a book, but isn't sure how to manage her time wisely.
So I put together a quick list of methods that I use to try stay productive over the course of a day.
So let's help earn you back some more time!
2. Choosing one task, and being in the present about that task
3. Making Lists
Here's an article to check out about how writing out lists can help your brain development (even if you don't finish them).
4. Breaking up the day into chunks (ie. before the gym/after the gym, before lunch/after lunch, etc.)
5. Making SMART goals
I like to make sure that my goals excite me and challenge me so that I feel motivated to see them through. Without motivation to see your goals through to the end, you'll most like give up on it half way through.
You always want your goals to be things that are within your control because you can't control the actions of others. Depending on another person could impede the amount of time it takes for you to accomplish your goal, and potentially discourage you from seeing the goal through to the end.
And the last thing I like to think about is keeping my goals timely -- making sure that my goals can be completed within a time frame that will allow me to still be invested in, and motivated to complete my work.
6. Eating well
7. Making time for self-care
8. Making myself understand that I can't do everything in a day
So just remember if you don't get everything done that you set out to do, IT'S OK. You're a human. And as much as we like to quote Beyoncé in times like this, we have to remember that Beyoncé has a FULL TEAM of people that are dedicated to ensuring her success. Many of us just have ourselves. So just do the best that you can, remember to factor in time for self-care, and know that there's always tomorrow.
I hope you found these helpful, and if you have anything that you like to do to increase your productivity that I didn't mention, please feel free to write it down in the comments or hit me up on social media (@dayshaveronica or @ yesqueenlife).
Keep those crowns up, Queens!
In love, peace, and unapologetic fierceness!
Unapologetically Fashionable: 2 Ways To Change Up How You Wear Red, White, and Blue This 4th Of July
Yo, yo, yo, it’s your girl Erika, and I’m back with another #Unapologetically Fashionable piece.
This week I will discussing how to - ROCK - The Red, The White, and The Blue!
4th of July is around the corner, and if you've been feeling a type of way about wearing the flag this year because of the daily shit storm that our country seems to be in right now, I totally hear ya.
So this post is more about how to slay this color combo in a fashionable way, and my 2 tips to help you change up your look at the cookout.
So let's get into it!
So we already know that red, white, and blue are colors that compliment each other. But how can we utilize these colors in a fun and creative way?
1. Pick One To Be The Base Color, Secondary Color, And Accent Color For Your Outfit.
2. Patterns Are A Great Way To Add An Extra Flair To Your Outfit
So that's all for this week! If you like what you read, please like, comment, and subscribe to the email list! And hit me up/follow me on Instagram (@Esa_Armaine) if you wanna chat or see more!
Have an amazing and #UnapologeticallyFashionable 4th of July, Queens!
Photos taken by Brooke Petersen
- Unapologetically Fashionable: How To Slay Sunglasses Season, And My 3 Favorite Cat Eye Sunglasses
- Unapologetically Fashionable: 3 Tips To Consider Before Buying Your Next Workout Outfit That Will Help Build Your Self-Confidence At The Gym
- Real Talk Love Therapy: EP 4- Dick Pics Featuring Curly Velasquez
Unapologetically Fashionable: 3 Tips To Consider Before Buying Your Next Workout Outfit That Will Help Build Your Self-Confidence At The Gym
What up Queens?! Ya girl Erika is back with another Unapologetically Fashionable post!
Now, I’m not one that likes to workout at all.
But even with all that said, I know that exercise is good for my mental and physical well being. So, I do it.
Plus, it just gives me another reason to shop, and treat myself to a cute workout outfit or two :))
But if you're like me, then I'm sure you know that shopping as a plus size queen can definitely come with its difficulties, and the same is very much true for buying workout clothes.
So for this week, I wanted to share with you 3 tips to consider before buying your next workout outfit to help build your self-confidence at the gym.
1. Buy Workout Clothes That Are Purely Meant For Working Out
2. Be #UnapologeticallyFashionable and Affordable
3. Don't Forget To Look At The Type Of Material Of Your Clothing
So that's all for this week! If you like what you read, please like, comment, and subscribe to the email list! And hit me up/follow me on Instagram (@Esa_Armaine) if you wanna chat or see more!
Stay #UnapologeticallyFierce and fashionable out there, Queens!
Hi Queens! Happy Monday!
I hope you're ready to #ReimagineMonday with me!
For those of you that are new to Yes Queen, and Monday Motivation… YAAASS QUEEN! I'm so excited that you're here.
Monday Motivation is my weekly vlog show in which I share a story from my life, or an event going on in the world with the purpose of helping you to reimagine your relationship with Mondays.
But here at Yes Queen, we are done with wishing it was the weekend because we are learning how to live in the present and find joy and self-fulfillment through every day of the week.
So this week's MM is all about exploring my bad habit of creating fake fights in my head, and how sometimes even what we imagine can have real consequences, especially when it comes to developing our self-confidence. Watch the video to find out how!
And if there is anything that you should take away with you from today's MM...
To purchase The Charisma Myth, check out my Amazon influencer page, which has a hand crafted list of all of my favorite items on Amazon!
Hope you enjoyed this week's #MondayMotivation, and that it helps you to reimagine your Monday! I love y’all, and I'll catch you next week!
In love, peace, and unapologetic fierceness,
If you like what you read, please share, like, comment, and subscribe to our email list!
Hey Queens, guess what? It’s #FeelingMyselfFriday!
This means your plus-size fashion Queen, Erika, is back with another Unapologetically Fashionable post.
So summer is right around the corner, and after this crazy winter here in Boston, I could definitely use some sunshine.
And with there being more sunshine in my day, it means one of my favorite accessory is coming out to play...
Sunglasses are a great way to accessorize an outfit, and show off a bit of your personality while protecting your eyes.
But did you know that not all sunglasses are created equal, and that there are a perfect pair out there waiting for your beautiful face to fill them out?!
So, I want each of you Queens to go look in the mirror right now, and analyze your facial profile. Ask yourself: is my face outlined like a heart, a square, an oval, or is it round?
If you want to learn more about sunglasses and facial shapes, check out this explainer from Sunglass Warehouse.
As you can see from my cute face ...
I have a round facial profile. So oversized or cat eye sunglasses work best for my face, and are my preference.
So since I am a sunglasses junkie, I figured I'd share 3 of my favorite sunglasses that I can't wait to rock this summer that I feel: (1) accentuate my round face, chubby cheeks, and full lips, (2) showcase my fun loving nature, and (3) have me looking #UnapologeticallyFierce.
1. Two-tone Cat Eye Sunglasses
2. Tortoise Shell Cat Eye Sunglasses
3. Coral Cat Eye Sunglasses
So that's all for this week! If you like what you read, please like, comment, and subscribe to the email list! And hit me up/follow me on Instagram (@Esa_Armaine) if you wanna chat or see more!
Stay #UnapologeticallyFierce and fashionable out there, Queens!
Don't forget to like, share, comment, and subscribe to the email list so you don't miss out on the next Unapologetically Fashionable!
About The Blog
Hiiii y'all! It's Daysha here being my typical unapologetic AF self, and I figured I should make a blog for all of my social commentary, midnight musings, and times when I just need to get some shit off my chest (#realtalk y'all).
In some ways, it's meant to be an example of how I use the 4 Queen Commandments in my everyday life, but more importantly, it's for people who want a peek into the mind of someone who went through a wild, sometimes sad, sometimes happy, and all the way crazy journey towards becoming unapologetic and proud!
I hope you enjoy my blog/vlog posts on all the crazy shit going on in the world and my life!
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